The art of self-mastery deals with emotions and the control of these emotions.  The catalyst for these emotions is the value which causes a reaction to an event. That is an introduction to self-mastery which we will expand on as we do future entries.   We start with three new elements; your values, emotions and events. If you think about events, they are random and largely unpredictable.  To start to establish self-mastery, define and understand your values. Once you know who you are you can focus on how you react to events.

Most books on self-mastery start with the idea that behind each person is a set of values or a set of beliefs that will drive their actions.  Your values will influence how you are going to conduct your life.  The question is, do they work in the real world.  Your life is in chaos when you are surrounded by an environment that does not support your values.  Every event, big or small, is causing a negative reaction. When you are conflicted you can't be successful. 

If you want to know what your values are just think back to a time when you were really upset.  What you are remembering is most likely a time when your values were being violated. 

Your values should support a balanced life.  Another test of your set of values is to take the five areas of your life (Financial, Relational, Physical, Intellectual and Spiritual) and find out what it takes to address these five areas and how your values apply.  These areas must all be addressed but they do not have to be in balance.   They must be in harmony. Learning to validate your values means learning to place them in real life situations and start thinking about how strong these values are.  Here are some examples:

·         I will lead a balanced life with my family.  You are asked to stay late at work most nights.  You are afraid you will be fired if you do not work long hours.  You need the money to pay your bills. Perhaps the solution here is to be more definitive about what your values mean.  For example, leading a balanced life with your family may mean that you will carve out time each week that is focused on just family.  If you think through this secnario you may also decide that this is not really a value but a policy.  With a policy you conditionally apply based on the circumstance.

·         I will be respectful of others.   You are in the break room and people are gossiping about others at work or expressing anger at people within the firm.   Being respectful of others may mean that you will not engage in gossip and you will remove yourself in a polite way from any conversation that is disrespectful.

·         I will get satisfaction from my work.  I do not like my job but it pays well and I can't give it up right now.  I can't tell my boss because he will just replace me. When you go around feeling unsettled it is because somewhere something is violating your values.   To understand what is going on you have to understand your values not just put words down on the paper. It could be that the business you work for has a conflicting set of values.

As you go about your work, watch the people you work with.  Who are the ones you have great respect for?  Who are the ones you go the extra mile for?  Normally these are people who share your values.   When you are at your most joyous, look at what is driving that joy.  It is probably a set of circumstances that are supporting you and your beliefs with no inhibitions.

Over the years I have noticed that people will agree with you or say that's right, or even nod yes when you are talking, but rarely actually do what you just talked about.  Sound confusing? For example, let's say that we have a long discussion about why you should always wear blue jeans.  Everyone agrees and even congratulates you on having such a great idea.  OK, so far. The next day everyone shows up wearing shorts.  You casually mention that the dress code was blue jeans.  They all look at you like you are crazy.  So what really happened here? 

First of all people don't hear all of what you said so that knocks your odds down by say 50%.  Next most people don't really believe it pertains to them unless they are looking for a solution within the bounds of what you talked about.  So of the 50% that heard you only 10% really thought it was a great idea.  Now of the 10% of the 50%, less than half will remember more than a few hours.  So by the next day you are lucky if a few people actually remember what you said and even those few will make a decision on what is happening right now, not based on your speech of last night.

Just to prove the point I made first, these are not really original thoughts.  I have read many books that all say the same thing.  For a few years I would read any self-help or leadership book I could find. I agreed with each one.  I didn't follow the advice of any of them until I made it my own.  That is what you will have to do as well.

We tend to beat ourselves up much more than we need to or should.  Have you ever thought that you could have done something better and than started all that negative self talk.  Something like ; I am an idiot, I am about to get fired, I should have stayed in bed, etc.

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Why waste all that energy.  I have enough people telling me I did something wrong without adding to it myself.  Look at it this way, everything is an opportunity to contribute and improve.  If you fill your head with all that self talk at least make it positive.  Congratulate yourself for what you accomplished and seek improvement for next time. If you are not blaming yourself, maybe you are the type that is blaming everyone else - again a waste of time and energy.

Or maybe, you can't understand what the heck they are talking about and can't blame or congratulate anyone.  Now you waste your time trying to guess what was meant. Sometimes I make sure that my interpretation is negative and then waste time with the blame game.  If I am really in a mood I can work up a good headache and be totally miserable for hours.  Now that should teach everyone a lesson.

This is how you get out of this negative trap.  Next time someone says something to you assume it was positive.  Even if it sounded negative, assume they made a mistake and really were trying to thank you for your contribution. Just the other day I had to humbly accept thanks from a user for destroying their file and losing hours of work. It was a stretch, but I managed.  Then I went in for the positive improvement asking how I could do better in the future.  Something about rolling up my procedure real tight and stuffing it somewhere - well I am sure I misunderstood.  I just smiled and passed on my thanks for their positive contribution.  See what a wonderful place this could be.